Priorities in Marriage
Only when couples respect each other, there is a possibility of love.
My Marriage priority list
Counselling a couple before marriage
It’s depressing to know that even in this day and age, we hear of women getting married without knowing their basic human rights. There are no counselling centres to teach them what to do and what not to do. We make sure our girls are taught manners and courtesy.
In some cases they’re even sent to finishing schools to teach them how to behave in front of others. They are trained to be potential wives and mothers. At home, their mothers and fathers tell them they must always be good to their husbands and in-laws.
What not to compromise on in a marriage
When they pass their 20th birthday, most of the parents start looking out for Rishtas and are open to any decent appearing proposals. At such a young age, these girls are highly vulnerable and in most cases quite immature for the huge concept of marriage.
Our girls are always taught to behave well and told that whoever does good gets only good in return. Unfortunately, that is not always true. But why is it that we forget to teach our daughters something which is far more important?
It’s a pity, we forget to teach our daughters one big lesson in life…. to say No. No when others cross certain boundaries and no to abuse.
It is true that a wife is responsible to keep her husband happy. She should be pleasant and be at her best behaviour in front of him. However, that does not mean that she should be naive and stupid.
We must not forget that Islam does not allow a woman to listen to her husband blindly. On the contrary, it is encouraged that she disobeys her husband in case he is asking her to do something which is against the way of Allah.
If we are living in a corrupt environment, we have to be street smart and know how to handle such people. We need to learn how to handle venomous people. If someone is being mean and nasty with us, we shouldn’t let them get away with it or encourage them to get carried away. The first time they behave badly with us, we should put a stop to it and make it clear to them that their behaviour is unacceptable. There are limits on what a girl should compromise on. A wife should not allow anyone to treat her as a doormat.
13 Things You Must Know Before Getting Married
1. Name change
Women are not bound to change their name after marriage.
In fact Islam encourages women to keep their fathers name even after they get married. The concept is deeper than you think. When a woman changes her name and her husband knows that she has his name in hers, he can start thinking of her as his possession. He knows then that she is his and he can do whatever he likes with her.
This way of thinking creates problems in her life where she struggles and loses her identity. It is common for immature girls to be in the feeling of love early in the relationship and willingly change their names to their husbands on Facebook and on legal papers in an effort to please him. They may realise later on that there is a reason women are advised to keep their fathers name with their names.
2. The marriage contract
3. Dowry – Haq Mehr
“And give to the women (whom you marry) their mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:4]
4. Physical Abuse
No one has the right to hurt you physically at all. There is no justification for it and it is a marriage breaker. Read more on that on my post, ‘Dialogue With an Abused Wife’ on this link.
In marriage, there are some physical barriers which the couple must refrain from. These are the boundaries set by Islam and one must never exceed them.
5. Sex Education
6. Tradition of Jahez
Some customs from the ignorant times are still prevalent in our society. The concept of Jahez is completely wrong and against the teachings of Islam. This custom must stop immediately. When a girl gets married, she is in no way responsible to provide furniture for husbands home. The husband is responsible to provide shelter, clothing and food according to his means. She is not responsible for any financial help whatsoever.
7. Working Woman
8. Money Matters
Always keep your personal bank account details to your self. No need to disclose them to anyone. Know that no one has the right to it other than yourself. A husband is responsible for providing his wife and kids with food, clothing and shelter. Wife can use her own account for her own interests, for buying something for herself or paying zakat for her jewellery.
A wife can spend her income/savings without taking permission from the husband or even telling him. Never let anyone (including your spouse) be in charge of your income. No one except yourself has the right to make money decisions on your behalf. It is your own hard earned money, never let any one else take that position away from you. If a wife wants, she can spend her money on her home, kids or husband, but she can not be forced to do so. It is entirely her own decision.
There are endless cases of financial abuse in marriages. A wife is not allowed to open her own bank account, or she’s made to transfer all her earning/saving into husbands bank account by convincing her through one reason or the other. In other cases a wife is made to ask her parents to send them money.She is often threatened to be kicked out of the house if she doesn’t obey him. All this is wrong!
The irony is that countless examples of this are taking place all around us. Its happening at all socio-economic levels. Even education has nothing to do with this. Money really shows the worst face of human beings and it can surely ruin relationships in an instant.
It is very important to prove to your husband and in-laws that you are a responsible person and know very well how to manage your possessions. Always be fully in charge of all your jewelry. Always have a locker in your own name and always keep it in your own control.
10. Legal Documents
11. Verbal Abuse
You have a right to your hobbies. Don’t let anybody stop you from doing what you feel like during your spare time. When husband is out, its best time to do what you love doing. If sport is your hobby, nothing like it. You will be looking after your health while you’re at it. Art, music, stiching, are some of the hobbies worth considering.
A successful marriage is based on the wellbeing of both individuals. If a man thinks that by oppressing his wife, he can attain happiness, he is wrong. If she isn’t happy in the relationship, he can never be so either. Its a two way street. Only by keeping each other happy and content, can a couple find ultimate bliss.
The best husbands are those who live and let live. Those who forbid their wives from doing a lot of things and who love to decide what their wife will wear, where she will go and whom she will meet often end up depressed and unloved. Respecting each other and being easygoing and relaxed is the key to a loving relationship.
“Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. Good women are for good men and good men are for good women.” Quran (24:26)