Huge life changes can be scary as they can make or break us and our relationships.
After a BIG change in our lives, our romantic relationships often tend to go through a difficult patch. But constant communication, understanding and tolerance can help us get over those hurdles.
About a month ago, I shared a poll on my Insta-Stories asking if your relationship with spouse got better or worse after the birth of your children? The overall result of the poll was that it got better but my inbox was full of messages from so many of you saying:
‘It got worse before it got better’.
So basically, a lot of you said that your relationship with spouse worsened right after childbirth but in the long term, it got better.
I agree with that statement as it happened with us too. We have been (Mashallah) happily married for 4 years now. We have Mashallah been a very loving couple throughout. But we were surprised when we found ourselves bickering after Nyras birth quite often. We would argue on all sorts of silly things. It happened (on and off) for about two months (exactly the time mama was over). But I told her: “Mama! You’re seeing us at our worst behavior. We are normally never like this”. Deep down I worried if this was going to be our new standard?!
I was of course under a lot of physical pain, hadn’t slept properly in weeks, had trouble walking (was iron-deficient) and was undergoing hormonal changes. He had over-burdened his mind with all the financial pressures. Having only 2-day paternity leave from work definitely added to the stress. Whatever it was, it wasn’t pleasant and it got us worrying a lot as we questioned if this was what our future would be?
Fast-forward a month, Thank God Allah ka lakh lakh shukar hai, things cooled down. We are back to our usual loving selves. In fact, now we share a common undying love for a tiny human that we utterly truly madly deeply adore more than anyone else on the planet. I feel Inshallah, she will keep our bond strong always and forever.
In hard times, I feel communication plays a major role in relations. Despite our arguments, we used to sit down, talk to each other and explain what we both were feeling. A few times we cried together and told each other that we are deeply upset about us fighting. We discussed why each of us felt so upset and why we acted the way we did. It’s never a good idea to stone-wall and stop communicating when things are not going as planned.
One relationship technique which has really really helped us over the years is…
Rather than expecting each other to do something, we communicate our exact need.
If I want something done, I will not hint towards it and expect him to understand. I will say exactly what I want from him as men and women are so different, we have different expectations and we think differently. Following are some examples to make this point clear:
- By saying Oh I’m so tired, I shouldn’t expect him to offer a shoulder massage. I should instead ask directly for one.
- When dirty bathrooms upset me repeatedly, rather than getting irritated and angry, I say ‘can you please clean the bathroom today?’.
- Or by saying ‘I can’t do this!’, I say ‘I need your help to lift this thing up!’ etc etc.
This rule has really made our lives easier and relationship better as we don’t keep the other person guessing nor add fuel to our frustration. This theory saves us from going round in circles and arguing over the same things over and over.
Relationships need extra effort in hard times and we must always seek Allah’s help. Did your relationship with spouse change after your baby was born? If yes, did it get better or worse? I would love to hear from you.
While we talk about changes in relationships after child-birth, another topic is also really important and inter-linked. There are major changes in relationships after other big changes in our life too. e.g. death/sickness of a family member or sickness of a partner etc.
Of course, these times are really hard and require so much more patience and effort on our part which is why many relationships fail to survive all the pressure that follows such a catastrophe. This is one of the scariest parts of relationships and I keep praying to Allah to always keep us and our family members healthy and happy.
I feel husband-wife relationships are conditional and they require constant effort and time. Conditional because they only work out if both spouses are good to each other and constantly keep trying to become better human beings. They are not unconditional like the love of parents/grandparents for their children/grandchildren.
I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks for stopping by and have a lovely day!