It is true that marriage is about compromises. However, we need to weigh what level of compromises are we expected to make. It is also right that marriage is for peace of mind. Marriage is about simple principles like kindness, respect and loyalty. One should always pray and hope for a good life partner.
None of us is perfect. We all have our bad habits which we should constantly try to improve. Not only for ourselves but also for our spouse who has to bear with us. I have come to the conclusion that it is not right to compromise on serious issues. In todays post, we will be discussing those threatening habits which can break a marriage instantly. In other words, marriage breakers are the points that justify divorce:
2. Physical Abuse
Respect is the most important thing. During anger, if your spouse insults you, swears at you, yells at you or hits you, he is not respecting you. Without respect, there’s nothing left in marriage. When your spouse raises his physical force against you, he has crossed all boundaries. Domestic violence in a marriage is never to be taken lightly. Abuse ruins any chance of true intimacy or trust and dissolves any hope that once might have existed. There is no end to this kind of abuse and only gets worse with time so it is definitely the biggest marriage breaker.
When a husband doesn’t provide for his wife and kids and instead he takes her income/savings. Financial abuse is also when a husband asks wife’s family to provide for them. Marrying a girl for her money is a concept which is becoming very popular. It is nothing but exploitation. A husband should be man enough to provide for his family and should not touch wife’s earning, saving, jewellery or property. It is wife’s obligation not to be a spendthrift and live within his means. She willingly uses her money to buy gifts for her husband, kids and home. She may offer her money in times of distress but she cannot be bound to do so. Financial abuse is also when wife’s income is stopped by forcing her to quit work and then not giving her any money for her expenses.
4. Womanising & infidelity
If a wife has solid proof that she is being cheated and that her husband is a womanizer, it surely is a marriage breaker. There’s no way a wife can and should tolerate the fact that her husband is with other women behind her back. I have heard of extreme cases of making wife sleep with others for money. In such cases, immediate divorce or khula is to be filed.
5. Absent in your Hard Times
It is so true that a person’s true face is only visible in times when you are in big trouble. E.g. death of your family member, seriously ill family member, when you yourself are having health issues or are in a financial crisis. Ideally, husband-wife companionship should be the strongest during these times. But unfortunately, very few couples pass this calamity test. Your alarm bells should ring if your spouse is creating problems for you when you are going through the worst time in your life. No point of small talk and companionship when you are not supportive of each other in hard times.
There is no point of watching movies together or going out for ice-cream if your life companion can’t be there for you when you need him the most.
When your spouse has a severe drinking habit. There is no end to the drinking habit. The person who drinks is not in his senses and can do whatever he likes. It is tragic that a lot of educated Muslims have turned to drinking. This point may not be very important for some but it surely is vital for me.
7. Hatred for your Family
This is when your spouse does not let you talk, see or visit your own family. And when your spouse hates your family more than anyone else for no obvious reason other than the fact that you love them. This only shows that he is an insecure person and is seriously complexed.
8. Doesn’t want kids
There are people in the world who do get married but they don’t want to have children. In case they find out their wife is expecting, they force her to get an abortion done. This is something extremely wrong. If he doesn’t want kids, he should’ve told her this before marriage. It isn’t right to be against children in a marriage where the wife wants children.
Compromise or not?
In my opinion, if a husband isn’t defined by the above points, a woman should make all other compromises in marriage.
However, if unfortunately, your husband is indulging in the above, you should definitely be concerned about your marriage. You need to seek help.
The reason I wrote this article is that I see so many wives suffering in terrible marriages and stay married only because they think they don’t have a choice. They are sill enough to worry about:
- What people will say
- Telling truth to parents (Parents think all is well)
- Divorce and its consequences
- Their children’s future
If you are lucky not to have kids and the above 8 qualities define your husband, you should know that it is wiser to leave the relationship now rather than wasting more of your life.
For single women
For those who are in unfortunate marriages
“Dear Allah! I hope for your mercy, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshipped except you.
Oh, Allah! Please help me make this most difficult decision of my life as I am bruised up and want to escape evil. I want to live a good life away from negativity and abuse. Please give me that inner strength to be able to take this bold step and please make it easy for me. I am scared as I have such a big burden on me but I know you are my only witness and know how much I have suffered. I am on the brink of taking this brave decision because I trust in You and know You have better plans for me. I pray doors of happiness be opened for me. Oh, Allah! Forgive me and make it easy for me and my family. Ameen”
It is advised to read Dua-e-Istakhara and Dua-e-Hajat and make a decision.
For happily married couples
- What are your thoughts on the above?
- Would you like to add anything to the discussion?
- Would love to hear from you.