General Well-being Struggle

I Am Happily Single And Choose To Stay This Way!

“I don’t want to get hurt or let my trust to be broken. So I will never get married. I love my life the way it is.”

These words are becoming more and more common. Some have gone through a bad experience and they are naturally hesitant to move on in life and get settled all over again. Others have seen their friends/family suffering in marriage and now they say they can’t afford to take a chance and end up like them. Yes, it is scary! Even the thought of trusting someone scares the hell out of you.

 

Marriage is the biggest gamble of your life. It is true that no matter how much you investigate about the person until you live with that person, you can’t be sure what he/she is like. It is also true that materialism, the perpetual quest for money and bitter experiences have made a lot of people in this world difficult to live with.
But that does not mean that there are no good men/women left in the world. ‘Marriage is a gamble’ means there are equal chances of you getting a good and bad partner. In the fear of ending up with a bad partner, why would you want to bury the hope of having a good life partner? The law of probability states that there are good enough chances of your blissful marriage. Why ruin those chances for yourself?
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable.” Ayat 26 of Surrah An-Nur.
Life is so serene if you have a good life partner. Imagine having someone beside you who respects you, loves you for who you are, provides for you, keeps your comfort utmost, listens to your stories all day, massages your feet if you’re exhausted, fixes your laptop when it frustrates you, repairs the lamps when they get broken, pays all your bills and brings you flowers when you feel down. It is a feeling which one cannot explain. It makes you feel whole again.

I went through that phase in life too where I said ‘I will never get married and lose my identity. I cannot go through all that pain all over again when it’s not even worth it.’ After seeing bad faces of people in life, it is natural for one to make assumptions like:

  • All men/women are the same
  • Love is over-rated
  • There is no such thing as selfless love
  • ‘Happily ever after’ is only in fairy tales

I had built a solid wall around myself. I wouldn’t let anyone come close to me emotionally or physically to be able to hurt me. No matter how much I tried, I wasn’t able to break that wall. With that state of mind, no one can get married. You have to give it your whole. You have to fully surrender in marriage. You can’t walk into it halfheartedly.
If you find yourself in such a situation, you need to seek help which is what I did. I didn’t want to talk to anyone as I thought nobody understands me. But thank God my sister made me talk to her friend who had gone through a similar bad experience. There are 3-4 girls with a similar background who helped me move on in life.
One of them told me “We all believe in fairy tales and deep down we all want ours to come true. Millions of people are surviving miserable marriages. If Allah gives you a second chance of happiness, take it.
It is so important to enjoy your own wedding. It is the only day in your life when you are the center of everyone’s attention. Don’t spoil it for yourself”. I am so glad I listened to her and that’s when good things started coming my way.
We all must realize that it is our need to get married and settle down. This is what’s best for us. We can not live alone for the rest of our lives and give in to fear. Yes, change is always scary but we must be strong enough to embrace change.
No matter when you get married, it will give you goosebumps and palpitations but that is all temporary. A happy marriage will give you butterflies you will never get enough of.
If you have seen someone suffering in marriage, you cannot generalize that your marriage will be like theirs. If you have had a bad experience, doesn’t mean you will have another bad experience. We tend to generalize circumstances and judge people unfairly. We also tend to let our bad experiences take the better of us and we become bitter from inside. We need to open up our minds and be the best version of ourselves.
Whoever thinks this way (I don’t want to give love a chance) really needs to listen to the song What if by Kane Brown. Its lyrics are worth reading:

You say what if I hurt you, what if I leave you 
What if I find somebody else and I don’t need you
What if this goes south, what if I mess you up
You say what if I break your heart in two then what

What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it’s meant to be
What if I ain’t one of them fools just playin’ some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it’s our last first kiss

What if one of these days baby I’d go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs awayWhat if the sky falls (sky falls) or the sun stops burnin’
We could worry about them what ifs ’til the world stops turnin’
Or I could kiss you (you should kiss me), what if you liked it (bet I’d like it)
Well we ain’t never gonna know unless we try it

So I am addressing this post to all of you who have closed up your minds to marriage. Especially those of you who are getting proposals but turning them down saying:
  • I deserve better
  • I don’t want to get married
  • I am not ready for marriage
  • I am too scared of relationships

Don’t be so harsh to yourself. Break those walls around yourself. Give love a chance, a second chance, a third one and so on. But never give up! Don’t generalize or be pessimistic. Think positive and pray for good things to come your way.

If you’ve had a bad marriage, 3 months (Iddat) are more than enough for you to get over it and get your life back on track again. Don’t look back as that will only make you bitter. Focus on the future. Think of marrying again. I know its hard but its the best thing to do. Don’t agonize your parents by saying ‘I will never get married again’. They want the best for you so just go with the flow.

 

For those of you, who are ready to get married but aren’t getting any good proposals, I really believe in ‘Dair aye, durust aye’. Waiting for the right one is better than suffering with the wrong one! But make sure you aren’t putting down good people. Only reject those who have something majorly wrong with them. We all have our flaws and no ones perfect.

 

There is a supplication that has been recorded by Imam Ali:
“O’ Lord, give me a nice, child-bearing, thankful, honorable spouse; a spouse that would be thankful if I treat him/her good and would forgive me if I treat him/her bad; a spouse that would help me if I remember Allah and would remind me of Allah if I forget him; a spouse that would protect me if I leave his/her presence and would make me happy if I enter his/her presence; a spouse that would obey me if I ordered him/her to do something and would take my vows seriously if I make one against him/her; a spouse that would calm me down if I get angry. O’ Lord of loft and honor, give me such a spouse. I have asked for him/her from you and nothing would come to me unless you give it to me.”
Good luck to all of you who are single. I hope and pray you open up your mind to marriage after reading this article. Once you have done that, Inshallah good things will come your way. Would love your comments. Don’t forget to drop me a line about how you feel.
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Nadiya Najib

Hi guys! Subscribe to my blog to know about the drama that I am, my love for Pakistan and planet Jupiter and my general rambling on whats what! ?
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6 Comments

  1. You’re right Nadiya and so incredibly brave. But as much as it gets lonely being single, what if you are so done compromising for others in your life that you can’t take it anymore emotionally and psychologically? Or what if you make a bad decision to get married to the wrong person just because you get incredibly lonely and your “age” is beyond the desi threshold of eligibility. Or what if there are no rishtas at all and you start to think of yourself as undesirable. Even though you know it’s because you haven’t been “marketed” properly but you also hate being treated as an object? Sorry for ranting but it’s hard to be this focused and logical at times. Thanks a bunch for sharing, I really needed this today.

    1. Nadiya Najib says:

      Thank you for your comment. It makes perfect sense to me. Yes there are so many things that need to be said. I’m glad you were touched by the article in some ways.

  2. Can you please state the source of supplication by Imam Ali AS, stated above. It’s a beautiful dua.
    Like always, great inspirational post.

    1. Nadiya Najib says:

      I found it on google. Please search for it for exact details.

  3. Ahsan Malik says:

    I’m glad I came across this. Someone I know came pretty close to this, but got himself out of it too, with same goes as you’ve penned down here.
    Vulnerability is the essence of a deep relationship. And if someone didn’t/doesn’t respect and value that, nobody should allow themselves to feel bad about themselves, and nobody should keep themselves from future goodness just because someone else didn’t do it right, or even if you messed up.
    We’re all human. People need to learn from the situation positively, forgive themselves, and move on.
    Life’s too short to keep ourselves from even the slightest chance of good.

    1. Nadiya Najib says:

      Hi Ahsan. Thanks for your valuable comment. So true. If one person messes up our life, doesn’t mean everyone in that gender is the same. We have to forgive and move on in life.

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