“I don’t want to get hurt or let my trust to be broken. So I will never get married. I love my life the way it is.”
Recently I have heard a lot of people saying this. Some of them have gone through a bad experience and they are naturally hesitant to move on in life and get settled all over again. Yes it is scary. Even the thought of trusting someone scares the hell out of you. Others have seen their friends/family suffering in marriage and now they say they can’t afford to take a chance and end up like them.
Marriage is the biggest gamble of your life. It is true that no matter how much you investigate about the person, until you live with that person, you can’t be sure what he/she is like. It is also true that materialism, the perpetual quest for money and bitter experiences have made a lot of people in this world difficult to live with.
But that does not mean that there are no good men/women left in the world. ‘Marriage is a gamble’ means there are equal chances of you getting a good and bad partner. In the fear of ending up with a bad partner, why would you want to bury the hope of having a good life partner? The law of probability states that there are good enough chances of your blissful marriage. Why ruin those chances for yourself?
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable.” Ayat 26 of Surrah An-Nur.
Life is so serene if you have a good life partner. Imagine having someone beside you who respects you, loves you for who you are, provides for you, keeps your comfort utmost, listens to your stories all day, massages your feet if you’re exhausted, fixes your laptop when it frustrates you, repairs the lamps when they get broken, pays all your bills and brings you flowers when you feel down. It is a feeling which one cannot explain. It makes you whole again.
I went through that phase in life too where I thought to myself and told my friends ‘I will never get married and lose my identity. I cannot go through all that pain all over again when its not even worth it.’ After seeing bad faces of people in life, it is natural for one to make assumptions like:
All men are like that
Love is over-rated
There is no such thing as selfless love
‘Happily ever after’ is only in fairy tales
I had built a solid wall around myself. I wouldn’t let anyone come close to me emotionally or physically to be able to hurt me. No matter how much I tried, I wasn’t able to break that wall. With that state of mind, no one can get married. You have to give it your all. You have to fully surrender in marriage. You can’t walk into it halfheartedly.
If you find yourself in such a situation, you need to seek for help which is what I did. I didn’t want to talk to anyone as I thought no body understands me. But thank God my sister made me talk to her friend who had gone through a similar bad experience. There are 3-4 girls with similar background who helped me move on in life. One of them told me “We all believe in fairy tales and deep down we all want ours to come true. If Allah gives you a second chance to happiness, take it. It is so important to enjoy your own wedding. It is the only day in your life when you are the center of everyone’s attention. Don’t spoil it for yourself”. I am so glad I listened to her and that’s when good things started coming my way.
We all must realize that it is our need to get married and settle down. This is what’s best for us. We can not live alone for the rest of our lives and give in to fear. Yes change is always scary but we must be strong enough to embrace change. No matter when you get married, it will give you goosebumps and palpitations but that is all temporary. A happy marriage will give you butterflies you will never get enough of.
If you have seen someone suffering in marriage, you cannot generalize that your marriage will be like theirs. If you have had a bad experience, doesn’t mean you will have another bad experience. We tend to generalize circumstances and judge people unfairly. We also tend to let our bad experiences take the better of us and we become bitter from inside. We need to open up our minds and be the best version of ourselves.
Whoever thinks this way (I don’t want to give love a chance) really needs to listen to the song called ‘What if’ by Kane Brown . It’s lyrics are worth reading (Link of the song and lyrics here).
You say what if I hurt you, what if I leave you What if I find somebody else and I don’t need you What if this goes south, what if I mess you up You say what if I break your heart in two then what
What if I was made for you and you were made for me What if this is it, what if it’s meant to be
What if I ain’t one of them fools just playin’ some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it’s our last first kiss
What if one of these days baby I’d go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs awayWhat if the sky falls (sky falls) or the sun stops burnin’
We could worry about them what ifs ’til the world stops turnin’
Or I could kiss you (you should kiss me), what if you liked it (bet I’d like it) Well we ain’t never gonna know unless we try it
So I am addressing this post to all of you who have closed up your minds to marriage. Specially those of you who are getting proposals but turning them down saying:
I deserve better
I don’t want to get married
I am not ready for marriage
I am too scared of relationships
Don’t be so harsh to yourself. Break those walls around yourself. Give love a chance, a second chance, a third one and so on. But never give up! Don’t generalize or be pessimistic. Think positive and pray for good things to come your way.
If you’ve had a bad marriage, 3 months (Iddat) are more than enough for you to get over it and get your life back on track again. Don’t look back as that will only make you bitter. Focus on the future. Think of marrying again. I know its hard but its the best thing to do. Don’t agonize your parents by saying ‘I will never get married again’. They want the best for you so just go with the flow.
There is a supplication that has been recorded by Imam Ali:
“O’ Lord, give me a nice, child-bearing, thankful, honorable spouse; a spouse that would be thankful if I treat him/her good and would forgive me if I treat him/her bad; a spouse that would help me if I remember Allah and would remind me of Allah if I forget him; a spouse that would protect me if I leave his/her presence and would make me happy if I enter his/her presence; a spouse that would obey me if I ordered him/her to do something and would take my vows seriously if I make one against him/her; a spouse that would calm me down if I get angry. O’ Lord of loft and honor, give me such a spouse. I have asked for him/her from you and nothing would come to me unless you give it to me.”
Good luck to all of you who are single. I hope and pray you open up your mind to marriage after reading this article. Once you have done that, Inshallah good things will come your way.