After pain, comes love and healing
I’m happy to have Amna on my blog today to guest post about her journey through depression and how she got out of it. Let’s hear it from her. Today is the second part of this series. Here is the first part in case you missed it.
I am a 25-year-old girl, who has the heart of a five-year-old. If I had to describe myself I would say that I’m a very sensitive person who cares deeply about those around her. I’m quite, shy and a little reserved because of what I’ve been through in life. A huge part of my life has been my grandfather, he took me under his wings as long as I remember. My name is Amna Avais and this is my story.
I consider myself very creative and at a very young age, I realized my love for writing and learned how to paint pictures with words. My first ever article was really my raw feelings on my grandfather’s death and I actually read it on his funeral. I found a way to express my feelings from that and haven’t stopped writing since then. I also enjoy watching shows and horror movies.
What I went through
My dad passed away when I was born so my grandfather was my second dad. My life revolved around my grandparents until they passed away when I was 14 years old.
For as long as I remember I’ve been engulfed in my grandparents’ lives. Not for a second did they make me feel that I was alone or that my dad wasn’t around. They gave me all the love and attention that I would have craved from my father. My childhood consisted of my grandparents. Everything revolved around them.
Then suddenly one day that was taken away from me and I was completely lost because my home was now empty, only left with pain and hurt. Till this day I can’t fill the gaps that were left empty and still crave their love and attention.
I believe there are a lot of qualities about me that allowed people to treat me horribly along the way, misusing my innocence or by mentally torturing me. I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way or been hurt a lot of times, but I never knew that all of this was gradually getting worse.
That dark place
Before I knew it, I was sleeping most of the day because sleeping meant I was half dead, and I know that’s horrible to think but that’s how I felt. At that point, I was so sick of the reflection I saw in the mirror that I wanted to hurt myself to actually punish myself for being me.
After a while, I started abusing medication and had no will to live. There are deep and dark parts of the story that I don’t even want to relive but let’s just say I wrote letters to my loved ones apologizing for taking my life. I feel, nothing that I can write, can do justice to what I went through. I felt horrible.
To be really honest I’ve dealt with depression as long as I remember. I’ve always been overshadowed with sadness and hurt. I still believe that I haven’t recovered completely because you can’t just wake up one day and believe that everything is fine. I was surrounded by thousands of people; yet, I was alone. I don’t think I can ever completely open up what it was really like living each second like that because it’s just too painful.
I had no respect for life as it meant very little to me and sleep was my only companion. Somehow in my mind, it took me a little closer to not existing. I always felt like I was drowning deeper and deeper each second and no one was able to see it. I had become so numb to everything that I really didn’t care about anything. I used to cry myself to sleep as no one else could see what I really was feeling.
What kept me alive
I believe that hope is what kept me from falling deep into this dark hole. It was me myself who kept struggling and holding on to the light. I could never go through with it because my family means way more to me to be that selfish so if I didn’t have my family I wouldn’t be alive right now. But I believe that I myself helped myself from completely drowning.
Every time I thought of the pros and cons of life, the only pro being my family kept me from completely losing myself, I couldn’t do that to them. I had hope and that was enough. I pushed myself a little each day and now I’m at a place where I’m happy so I thank the little voice inside of me for not completely losing hope.
I know it’s hard but just remember that you are stronger than you think and it does get better. One day you will wake up and know in your heart that you are a warrior for overcoming this hard time in your life and then you will realize that you are truly more than what you give yourself credit for.
In the end, I would like to share some some tips that helped me get out of depression:
- Being hopeful
- Thought of my family
- I started taking one day at a time
- Dragged myself to get active
I would like to thank you Amna for your precious time and effort in this guest post. It sure is hard to look back at one’s difficult times and recall all the painful moments. But I’m glad you chose to speak up about it in the hope of helping others fight depression.
I’m so happy you found your way to happiness. May you always shine like this and may Allah bless you with the best.
I am currently taking entries for guest posts in this series: Stories of struggle, survival and strength. If you have had your share of hard times in life and want to share your story here as an inspiration for others, please email me a summary of your life story and how you coped along with good quality photographs.
Email Me Your Story to be featured: [email protected]