Importance of a Blissful Marriage
A good marriage can make your life heaven and a bad one can really make it hell. Therefore, all possible effort should be put in making it a happy and peaceful home for yourself and for the future generations. It’s so worth it. It’s true, a lot of it has to do with destiny. We don’t have a lot in our hands but there are many things which we can do to make it better. Let’s take a look at those in this article.
Our Wedding Anniversary
Today is MA my 3rd wedding anniversary with the love of my life. Here’s to the best day of my life!
What he means to me
Before he walked into my life, I was a literally a shattered glass. My identity had been suffocated, my trust had been stabbed, fear had overtaken me and I was struggling to find my lost self. He came into my life, picked up all my scattered pieces and made me whole again. I felt disheartened and ugly. He showed me life and convinced me I’m worth it! I thought love doesn’t exist, he showed me it’s real. He has been nothing but Allah’s biggest blessing to me. My love and respect for him grows with every passing day. May Allah always give him the best of both worlds. Ameen.
What I value the most in our relationship
I have had my fair share of tests in life. I feel I am blessed to be in a position to really value and appreciate the good things in a marriage. It’s true that we tend to take things for-granted in life. I think God makes us go through trials in life so we can truly appreciate the good things in life. No marriage is perfect. We also have our ups and downs. The things that I value the most in our relationship are:
- Peace of mind (roz ki khich khich se duur)
- Freedom to be who I am, & do what I want (most of the time)
- Respect for each other as mature adults without any drive to control each other. (We don’t judge each other)
- Open communication We really look forward to talking to each-other about (almost) everything in our lives
- Fairness (compromises from both sides)
- Space (We give each other a lot of breathing space and encourage hobbies, friends, family & me-me time)
Introducing Marriage Commitment Form
I’ll tell you an interesting story: Right before marriage one day, I called up my fiancé Haaris and asked him to write down on a piece of paper his priorities in this marriage. He seemed a little perplexed at first. But I explained:
I want you to list down your priorities, what you’re looking for and what’s most important for you in our marriage.
I did the same. I wrote down everything point wise. Then I decided a time and place (A beautiful park in Bahria Town, Pindi). So we met there right after watching a movie together (at Cinegold, Hamari Adhuri Kahani 😉).We then walked to the park, took out our lists and read each point out and communicated it with each other. It covered all major aspects of marriage. Here is the link if you want inspiration to create yours.
That was the most meaningful conversation we had ever had. I was a bag of nerves and having wedding jiggers but since that day, I felt so much relieved as we had already discussed the most important things in a marriage point by point. I felt secure after communicating what I want in the marriage and getting his assurance. I also felt confident that I would be able to cater to his needs too.
You can do this
In Desi marriages, there is no concept of wedding vows. However, I feel it is vital for a marriage to be based on certain limits/priorities which need to be clearly stated. I really believe a couple should sit down and clearly define boundaries before their marriage. These should never be crossed. In this exercise the couple writes what their priorities in marriage are, what is and isn’t acceptable for them. These are then communicated clearly to each other. This way there will be no betrayals in marriage! (No dhoke baazi 🙂 The idea isn’t to command or to humiliate but to clearly state what you want in a marriage and to be open to what your partners needs are. Unless we define our needs, they’re not angels to know what we want.
I strongly advise all couples to do this exercise before marriage. These are exactly the things you must talk to your fiancé about. Asking them what you ate in lunch or dinner won’t have any impact in your life but discussing these important things will definitely make a difference in the rest of your life!
One great advantage of this exercise is that you will have discussed all main issues before marriage which you can refer to later on. You won’t have to keep addressing these issues or fight over them constantly in your life. There will be no false expectations and marriage will be based on set grounds.
May Allah always keep us happy and healthy together. Ameen!
Tips for a Blissful Marriage
Following are the Tips for a Blissful Marriage from my experience.
1. Respect first
In my opinion, respect is the most important ingredient of a blissful marriage. We should always treat our spouse as a respected mature adult. The following common habits only break marriages:
- Control/manipulate your partner
- Game of power
- Degrading, criticising, taunting or being sadistic
- Competition (If you cheated, I will cheat too. Two wrongs don’t make a right)
2. Relationship should be fair
Compromises in relationship should be approximately equal. I don’t believe in concepts in which women make all compromises and men don’t make any! It should be fair. If we expect our spouse to do something, we should do it ourselves too. If we want our spouse to avoid something, we should ourselves stay away from it. It is also important to always choose to do the right thing. This doesn’t mean that if one is behaving badly, the other reciprocates.
3. Financially clear
This is becoming one of the main reasons of divorce so it is vital for couples to be on the same page from day one. No one should control the other person’s money.
There should be a clear understanding of money matters early/before the marriage.
According to Islam, a man is responsible for supporting wife and kids (as per his means also called necessities). A wife’s income can be used by her however she wants. She may contribute to the home and she may buy her luxuries from that. Our parents needs need to be addressed too. A wife may support her own family from her money if there is a need. Similarly a husband has full right to support his parents after marriage.
4. Be there in difficult times
Even the worst of us act civilised in good times. It’s the most difficult times in life when we show each other who we really are.
The challenge of a marriage is to be there for your spouse when he/she needs you the most.
Remember these times are not easy to cope for the spouse, which is why it is most challenging. Death of a loved one, illness, joblessness, injury, depression are a few of the times when your spouse really needs you to be there for them. If you are not there for them during and after these times, then all the small talk, wedding vows and physical intimacy don’t mean a thing.
5. Integrity & Loyalty
Always speak the truth with your spouse. Don’t exaggerate or fiddle with facts as it can affect trust which is vital in marriage.
Telling lies to your partner can damage your relationship like nothing else.
Be loyal. Never discuss marital problems with a friend of opposite gender. Be true to each other. Keep boundaries with friends of other gender after marriage.
It is very important to communicate our needs to our partner. They’re not intuitive. A couple should spend quality time together.
Both should never be angry at the same time. The golden rule (from my Nani) should be when one is irritated; the other one should be calm or quiet.
All important decisions in life should be discussed mutually before coming to a conclusion. Remember that such decisions affect both and thus should be made together. We shouldn’t allow communication channel to be broken as that is the cause of misunderstandings. Leave a sweet note every now and then for no particular reason.
7. Give your spouse space
I strongly believe we should give breathing space to each other and not suffocate them. I think marriage doesn’t mean we should be glued to each other 24/7. I really believe that a good marriage is far away from control. It is all about letting your partner live their life exactly as they want. A couple is already sharing a room, bed, bathroom and home. That itself is quite a lot of space invasion.
I think its vital for couples to give each other their me-me time to do whatever it is that they love (games, movies, meet-ups).
8. Respect each others privacy
I also don’t believe in inspecting or snooping into spouse’s personal belongings like documents, phone, email accounts etc. It never helps to be a shaki (skeptical) sort of a wife and no one wants that.
There are many things which are private between husband and wife. These intimate details should always only stay in between them. We all are humans and make minor mistakes. It is better to just conceal each others mistakes and not humiliate each other. I love how beautifully Allah defines this point:
“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them” (Noble Quran 2:187)
I also don’t think we should include family or relatives into couple’s arguments (except in cases of abuse).
But there are certain exemptions to this. In case there is something majorly wrong in marriage i.e. Abuse. Then concealing isn’t a good idea. Then you need to seek help.
9. Encourage hobbies, sports, family & friends
This is also linked to space which I discussed earlier. It’s important to have a life a part from each other too. It keeps the spark alive in a relationship. It’s always better to encourage each other to help out immediate family specially when they’re in need. Keeping in touch with family and friends also helps us feel complete. When we stay connected to our other loved ones, it keeps us happier as a person which reflects in our relationships too.
10. Keep the fun alive
It is important not to let the relationship become monotonous and boring. Being funny and fun loving is a great way to keep a marriage alive. However, the couple should make sure that they’re not making jokes at each other’s expense. The jokes should not be offensive at all.
Summary of our tips
Haaris and I love playing games and asking each other questions. A few months ago, we wrote down whats important in a marriage. Here’s what we both wrote down:
- Respect each other at all times
- Control your anger and never cross limits
- Give each other space
- Keep the fun alive. Be funny!
- Accept marriage as a struggle
- Don’t take spouse for granted
- Be aware of your responsibilities
I am so excited to inform you that I have collaborated with 4 other big bloggers from Pakistan who will also be sharing their tips for a blissful marriage. I will be sharing their guest posts tomorrow on my blog. Stay tuned and don’t forget to subscribe to my blog.